Military · veteran

Military, Suicide, and My Confession

For 22 years of my Air Force career, I heard about suicide and attended every “mandatory” suicide prevention briefing.  But for the last 6 years of my career I worked hand in hand with an officer who was my commander, my immediate supervisor, and someone I called my friend.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m here to tell you…I was clueless. I had no idea that this man was so deeply depressed.  I feel like I didn’t even know him.  How can this be? He was one of the strongest, confident, even arrogant (at times) person I knew.  He was intelligent, funny, an officer, prior enlisted, had a beautiful wife and daughters.  How?  Why didn’t I see anything? He hid it well. I guess he hid it within his sarcasm?  I just couldn’t read or see through it. My head is still spinning with confusion.

If someone does not reach out for help or show the signs…how can I help?

I am so broken about this.  This has been haunting me for months.  People all grieve so differently, and for me, well I have grieved before, but this was a new one for me. And what did I do?  I took it out on one of my best friends.  I did not know how to deal with this.  I did not know where to turn.  Needless to say, my hurtful words have not been forgiven.  But I guess I can’t blame her.   Would I forgive me?  But until recently I was being so hard on myself and a lady at worked shared with my about her personal grief after losing someone very close to her and how she handled it.  Turning to God was all I could do.

Grief is not something new to me.  After my three miscarriages, I turned to this:

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:21-23 

There were times I felt like I would be consumed by my grief, but I clung to this scripture because I knew God’s love would not fail me – it says we will not be consumed because of how strong His love is for us as His children.  We are told as Christians we will suffer through things just as non-believers will because of this old world we live in.  BUT – we have an advantage – we have God on our side to cover us with His hands and protect us from being devoured.  It does not mean we won’t have bad things happen, but it means we have the only One who can get us through watching over us and caring for us in ways we don’t even recognize.  This is hope to me, and when you hit bottom, you have to have something to hope for.  Knowing God’s love was steadfast and unchanging carried me through many hard times.

I wanted to share this with you all to tell you it’s “normal” to grieve.  But the other reason I wanted to share this to my military brothers and sisters is to really look out for your Wingman.  Take a closer look at your co-workers.  Suicide is there.  Suicide is real.  I pray this doesn’t happen to you.  But look for those signs.

Take the next step: Make the connection.

Love to all~Magic


Below is an article posted by Make The Connection:

“How do I know if I am suicidal?

Have you been thinking that you would be better off dead? Do you wish you could go to sleep and not wake up? Perhaps you have been planning how you would end your life or making preparations for when you’re not here. You may have actually begun to take action to hurt yourself in a way that could kill you. These are increasingly serious levels of what are called suicidal behaviors.

If you are experiencing any of these thoughts or actions, you should seek immediate support. Call the Veterans Crisis Line at 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1, use the Veterans Crisis Line online chat, or send a text message to the Veterans Crisis Line at 838255. The Veterans Crisis Line provides free, confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. If you feel you are in a crisis, whether or not you’re thinking about killing yourself, you can also contact the Veterans Crisis Line. It’s better to call sooner, rather than wait for problems to get worse.

Most people who consider suicide have problems they think they can never overcome. They think that no one can help them and that suicide is the only way out. People who are considering suicide may feel:

  • Helpless, like there is nothing they can do to make things better
  • Hopeless, thinking their problem cannot be solved by them or anyone else
  • Worthless, thinking they’re unable to help themselves or feeling like a failure
  • Hateful toward themselves
  • Like they are a burden to others
  • As if the pain of living is too much to bear

Some Veterans’ pain may come from having been through traumatic events like the death of someone close to them, seeing people die during their military service, or sexual assault or abuse. Other Veterans’ difficulties may be the result of a major setback such as ending a marriage, losing a job, or feeling as if their honor is lost. Some people may think about suicide due to the buildup of stress, depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress that makes life seem as if it’s no longer bearable.

No matter the reason, people don’t attempt suicide because they want to die, but because they see suicide as the only way to escape the pain of living. It is important to realize that there are many ways to handle any problem — even if you can’t see a solution yourself. Sometimes you need an outside perspective to see new answers to personal problems.

Medical conditions such as depression, post-traumatic stress, and chronic pain may lead to thoughts of suicide. There are effective treatments and resources for each of these conditions.

What are the warning signs of suicide?

There are different types of warning signs you may see in yourself or another person who may be in crisis. All warning signs require attention, and some require immediate action. Some people will make jokes about suicide when they are having suicidal thoughts. Others may even appear calmer or happier than usual because they have decided to attempt suicide and feel relief at making a decision. Not everyone who makes a suicide attempt shows warning signs. However, warning signs of suicide should always be taken seriously, even if the person seems to be joking.

“I know a lot of people think about suicide. I know I have. But committing suicide is the exception, and you need to ask for help.”

If you recognize any of the following signs of suicide in yourself or others, you should reach out for support:

  • Feeling hopeless, trapped, or like there’s no way out
  • Having persistent or worsening trouble sleeping or eating
  • Feeling anxious or agitated
  • Feeling like there is no reason to live
  • Feeling rage or anger
  • Engaging in risky activities without thinking of the consequences
  • Increasing alcohol or drug misuse
  • Withdrawing from family and friends

The following warning signs require immediate attention:

  • Making a plan for how or when to attempt suicide
  • Frequently talking, writing, or drawing about death or about items that can cause physical harm
  • Acting recklessly or engaging in risky activities without thinking about the consequences
  • Behaving violently such as punching holes in walls, getting into fights, or engaging in acts of self-harm
  • Feeling rage or uncontrolled anger or seeking revenge
  • Acting as though you have a “death wish”; tempting fate by taking risks that could lead to death, such as driving fast or running red lights
  • Giving away prized possessions
  • Putting your affairs in order, tying up loose ends, and/or making out a will
  • Seeking access to firearms, pills, or other means of harming yourself

It is important to get help right away if you notice any of the signs above. Getting support can help you see that solutions to your problems exist and that suicide is not the answer.

What is the treatment for suicidal thoughts and behavior?

No matter the problem you are dealing with, there is support available, and there are things you can do to solve it. Veterans of all ages and eras have sought help for suicidal thoughts and behavior and are living better lives today. You can hear stories from fellow Veterans and Service members about their own battles with suicidal thoughts and behavior and how they overcame them.

Treatments to cope with suicidal thoughts and behaviors can involve counseling, medication, or a combination of these. Counseling can help you see new solutions and perspectives that may not have occurred to you, and give you better ways of coping. Medications affect the chemicals in your brain that may be contributing to your feeling down and thoughts of suicide.

“I thought, ‘What’s the purpose of me living?’ I really didn’t want to be here anymore. But what saved me was finding this great therapist at the VA after I admitted myself into the hospital. That was the first time that I was able to open up about what I had been through.”

In addition to treatment, you can adjust your lifestyle to help prevent or deal with suicidal thoughts. Be sure to take time to:

  • Set reasonable goals for yourself.
  • Cut back on obligations if you are overworked.
  • Spend time with family, friends, or other Veterans to avoid feeling isolated.
  • Exercise and get enough sleep.
  • Slow down, using relaxation techniques such as meditation or deep breathing.

What can I do to cope with suicidal thoughts and behaviors?

If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or wish you were dead, you should talk to someone right away. Your family and friends may already know that you’re having a tough time. You may want to turn to them and let them know what you’re feeling and thinking.

You can call the Veterans Crisis Line at 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1, use the Veterans Crisis Line online chat, or send a text message to the Veterans Crisis Line at 838255. The Veterans Crisis Line offers free, confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

You can also take a confidential self-check quiz to better understand what you’re going through, learn if it may be a good idea to seek professional help, and see how you might benefit from VA or community-based services. Your anonymous answers to a brief list of questions will be reviewed by an experienced counselor who will then send you a personal response to a secure website. The counselor will also provide you with resources and options for further follow-up.


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