Infertility · Motherhood

Things to NEVER say to a child-free woman

My miracles

Something that is very near and dear to my heart.  Whether or not a woman wants to have children is a very personal decision. Unfortunately, it’s also one of those things that everyone seems to feel empowered to comment on.

People react to the idea of women not having children with total disbelief, shock, and worst of all, pity. They assume it’s a case of infertility in disguise, or the lack of a relationship, or that women without kids hates children. To be honest with you…it’s none of your business why someone doesn’t have kids.

Some of the stupid questions/comments I’ve endured over the years before I had children:

  1. You think you’re tired? You don’t know what tired is… try having a kid.

This was a fun one.  I worked full time 50+ hours a week in the Air Force, commuted 120 miles every day, and went to school full time in an accelerated program.  I went from my Bachelor’s degree straight onto my MBA.  But no I wasn’t tired. How could I be since I didn’t have kids?

  1. Just hire a surrogate to carry the baby for you.

This one made me want to punch people in the face!  Don’t say crap like this if you have no idea about a persons fertility life.  Even if you do know that someone cannot carry a baby, this is not your place to say anything!!

  1. What are you waiting for? You’re not getting any younger. Tick Tock.

Wow this was always thrown in my face!.  I was an older mom (first son born when I was 38, second son born when I was 42) and prior to having children I heard this over and over. Even when I got pregnant with my 2nd son, I still had comments …aren’t you too old?  OMG!!

  1. It’s a mom thing…you wouldn’t understand.

Then don’t ask me for my opinion.  I had friends that complained about their kids all the time! They bitched about being a mom.  Then they would ask me my opinion on things, I would tell them, and this was the response I’d get. My answer would be “stop complaining about your kids then, there is someone sitting right here that would take them from you in a heart beat”.

  1. What’s wrong with you?

Seriously?  Did you just ask me this?  My response was “what the “F” is wrong with you?”

  1. The size of that house and just the two of you? It’s a waste of space.

    My hubby & I

My response was “don’t be jealous because I can afford a big house”  LOL

  1. Just find a donor and have kids. I’ll babysit.

OMG shut up!  First of all, I can’t stand how you are raising your kids, do you think I’ll let you babysit mine if I had any?  Ummmm NO!!!

  1. You’ll change your mind when you meet the right man.

Believe it or not through my infertility journey, I had people say this to me.  Thinking that my current husband did not want children.  It was like they were telling me to divorce him for not having kids.

  1. You think you don’t want children, but once you have them you’ll change your mind.

This wasn’t applicable to me, but I know a lot of people that personally did not want children.  That is their choice, I wouldn’t dare say this to them.  Sadly, people say this all the time.

  1. Why don’t you just adopt?

If I had a $100 for every time I hear this….WOW!  Just shut up!

Our pregnancy announcement for our 2nd son

Anything regarding the subject of children is such a personal matter.

If a woman has been unable to conceive, hasn’t been in the right relationship, or has chosen not to have children for genetic reasons, this could be a very painful topic. A woman who is child-free by circumstance should not have to explain her child-free state.  If a woman has simply chosen not to have children, trust that she has made the right choice for her. Nobody should have to explain or defend their decision to not have children.

Just as nobody should have to explain their choice to have them.

It’s not your business. Period.

Thank you for reading.

P.S. I struggled for many years with the hateful and mean comments I got from friends and family. People that just had no idea.  My heart hurt.  But finally I was brave and decided to share my infertility journey.  If you’d like to read about my journey please click here to read my story.

My 1st son
My 2nd son

 

One thought on “Things to NEVER say to a child-free woman

  1. I love the one about “you wouldn’t understand because you’re not a mother”. I had someone say to me on a public neighborhood forum “obviously you don’t have kids” and I tore her a new one. Also appreciate you mentioning the thing about surrogates and donors and adoption, not just because it’s not any of their damn business, but because of the expense that they clearly assume we are made of money, seeing that it cost about $100,000 to hire a surrogate, is $33,000 to adopt domestically where we are, $20-25,000 to adopt internationally (if you even meet the country’s age, length of marriage, religion and other requirements.. and if the countries program doesn’t close in the middle of your process), and around $20,000 to do a round of donor egg IVF. I know this because we are in our sixth and final attempt at donor egg IVF after five failures including a miscarriage, and have been on the waiting list for an international adoption for over two years and were told it would probably be at least another 2 to 4 years before we finally get a referral (. We literally don’t have any more money to spend unless we want to put a second mortgage on our home which is just not going to happen.

    Liked by 1 person

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